[personal profile] shandra
Eh so I'll burble here too. I am having a burbly day.

Hearing the baby's heart beat made things really real for a lot of people in the system. It's all mixed up together for us that we're having a baby and dropping out of the 9-5 professional universe, so people's reactions are pretty mixed together that way too. Lyr is of course ecstatic in a Lyria way; she doesn't spend as much time as the rest of us dreaming about the future I don't think because she's quite in the present moment. Lynn told Anna she can't be too horrified because it makes Lyria happy and she is "predisposed to be indulgent towards Lyria." Snicker.

Teresa is suffering a little "I'm not worthy" crisis on both the writer and the mother front, but she'll make it. That is her reaction to most things. :)

Lynn is also glad to have more time to practice guitar and piano and all that. But the body stuff is hard on her; she has a horror of getting bigger and the pap smear was rough and procedures to come will be too. This is one reason I chose an obstetrician over a midwife; I think it might be better to get an epidural or whatever rather than putting the system through any more uterine/vaginal pain than necessary.

I do worry a lot about the recovery period when we're tired and torn and coping with breast feeding and all that; every one of those things sounds very triggering. So we are trying to do a lot of preparing and educating and making sure appropriate people will be around during that time to support us. This is probably one time that we're going to need to say: yo! help!

One thing that has become obvious to me is throughout the whole "get a handle on our recovery and multiple life" thing we have let a lot of what I think of as normal friendships, normal supports, normal light hearted relationships go. I am sad about that and lacking the energy at the same time to start them up. But that is a long term goal and over the next few months I want to really consider how to be a better friend out here in the real world, and not be so obsessed with how weird we might be. I think it's been a necessary protective thing, to focus only on those people I thought could be accepting of us. But it's getting to be an outdated response. I can think of three people I haven't pursued who probably would be cool friends if I had.

The kids are mostly happy they're going to get to play a lot, although there's some anxiety too that Carl won't love them as much and that kind of thing. The kinderlynn surface now and then to make statements like "if they touch our living dead dolls cut off their fingers!!" but I think that will be ok (also I think we will put a tall shelf in a wardrobe with their stuff in a box:)).

I'm getting all into it although I worry a bit about money and identity (I'm not sure I can handle full time parenthood without some regular adult universe work, but I figure if I can't we will work something out) and quite a lot about details like "how will I not flip out about diaper rash?" and shit like that. Then occasionally I go into a bout of minor anxiety in the middle of the night that can range from "I just know we'll have a kid who needs a motorized wheelchair" to "what if our house has toxic mold and we can't afford to move?" Those are very intense fears. But I might worry more if I never had any. Mostly in the morning they're gone.

The bottom line, I guess, is that I know things will come up, but I think we can handle them. Which is - really kind of cool. When did that happen?
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September 2006

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