Jul. 11th, 2002

Let's see - some highlights out of my life.

Work is proving on a daily basis that my gut instinct to leave in the middle of the summer was the right one. But I've agreed to stay through projects that will land my leaving date somewhere in October. I'm not sorry for the additional paycheques, but the energy requirements are starting to feel draining. I think my issues with not following through on leaving are a) the loss of economic power both for Carl and I together and especially for my personally as the suddenly following-group-dreams spouse, and b) the fact that since I'm _not_ one of the actual writers in the system, I will actually be out of a job. Except for scheduling and goal setting and oh, yes, _mailing_ queries and manuscripts around. Networking too I guess.

If it gets too hard I'll just pick up something short term or part time, I know. Still it contributes to my waffling.

We have done some fun things like strawberry jam making, and our mini garden is doing all right although we had a cherry tomato tragedy when some pots fell off the deck.

Also Screaming Cleaning Girl (she really needs a name) threw a fit, and Carl handled it super well. She was pretty funny. I guess we have gotten across that you can't just scream at Carl if you feel that the house is not perfectly anally arranged, because she was screaming and crying but when Carl came down she screamed "I'm not yelling at you! okay!" Heh. Carl managed to get her to learn how to make coffee instead and made her pb & j toast. I think that's the first non-screaming non-cleaning interaction she's had with the world, really.

Now she makes coffee every fucking morning. But hey.

It is a little sad that my mum used to throw out our stuff and cancel trips to Disneyworld and things over mess, because this kid just took all that as her worldview, that if your house isn't clean the world will End. I have to admit that it's sort of weird, too, to realize that a lot of the cleanliness of my home is related to this poor kid rather than any effort on _my_ part.

I just realized none of the people that would bug me about my reproductive activities read this journal, so I can blather on semi-publicly, which is sort of nice, I guess. I had a miscarriage on Saturday at about 7 weeks. This is probably because rather than being sensible and going and having the procedure for the scar tissue and planning it, we (Lyria and Carl) just went ahead and had what Lynn calls in disgust "procreative sex" and got knocked up. Everyone knew that miscarrying was a possibility and most of the system was either a little bit relieved or at least uncaring, but oddly enough I, former Career Girl, took it kind of hard. I was getting into it in a big way. I think like Lyria I would like one or possibly two kids, at some point. Since I'm 31, it probably is something to really start thinking about, too.

I think I want to adopt. I will rant here at some point about the whole idea of a "perfect" kid and how people want their own genetic destiny and how raising kids IMHO is not about that, it's about loving a small needy imperfect human _self_, you know, and helping them reach their highest potential - whatever that is - without getting all one's own ego in about what that Must Look Like in terms of success.

But in a couple of years when the whole idea doesn't make Lynn react like the rest of us would if someone were trying to make us eat maggots. I actually think that the process of dealing with each other will make us better parents than average, but we have to do some more dealing with each other first, ideally. It's amazing what taking each other's views of "success" and "happiness" and "moral" and everything seriously will do for a worldview. But I'm not yet sure that "childraising" is everyone's priority to the extent that it would have to be. I have to admit that interacting with my niece and nephews has gotten me to relax a bit about the "what if we switch?" thing. We do around them, and they love it. We don't spell it out; it's just all very natural for me to play rough with Joel and Lyr to cuddle and blah blah blah. Still, that's not exactly _full time_.

Of course. if the timeline had been 9 months, well, we'd've worked it out.

The miscarrying has made the week hard, both physically (although it's mostly all over with except for the hormone soup I vaguely remember from the last time) and emotionally. Carl has completely different reactions and so it kind of drives a temporary little hurdle in between us. But this weekend we have plans for some nice quality couple time with a beach picnic, tennis, and maybe some ice cream. I am really looking forward to the tennis; the pools are closed due to a strike and it makes me twitchy.

And on that note, off I go to Anna's and then home, for some lovely bean soup and biscuits and fig salad.




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