Jul. 7th, 2003

I hope people who are interested have been following my regular life in my diary-x but since I've been on a commenting spree lately I thought I had better do a fast LJ update. :)

So let's see. I love being a writer/editor at my job; the sad thing is our company may yet run out of money. If it does I will write full-time at home until Carl and us run out of money, and then work something out (well; a few months before I would hope!:)). It's kind of neat to be in a career and not plotting random job changes and that frees up a lot of energy.

Which is good because as a system we have a lot happening. Lynn is taking guitar lessons and doing pretty darn well, although being a beginner is frustrating her sometimes. Carl and I went on a yuppie toy spending spree and we have a canoe and a motorcycle, both of which provide even more ways to spend our leisure time. The gym is going really well; I haven't completely renovated my body but it's getting stronger (slowly) and I dropped a dress size and it's all within non-obsessive boundaries. So that's been really good too.

Writing is not going that well but starting tomorrow we're spending an hour in the coffee shop near work in the morning to dedicate to it and that will hopefully help.

The kinderlynn, the weird little abused Lynn kids, have started to talk about their experiences which is Grand Progress but contributes a lot to feeling tired and overwhelmed at times. Still it is kind of a last frontier kind of feeling; I think we are moving towards being finished with the worst of the trauma-related revelations, although what comes next is kind of a mystery.

Another multiple system we met online came up in March and some of us, notably Magdalynn and Lyria, rocked the marital boat. I can't say fell in love because that was already in progress and because various of us falling in love is not new; we fall in love regularly. But they were cuddly and a bit more in the flesh (clothed, for those of you with your minds in the gutter:)) and it has brought our multiplicity to a head both within the sytem and with Carl. I would be lying if I said this had made life any /easier/ but it has made it extremely rich and full and complex. Today I have finally conceded and joined the polyamory community on LJ rather than lurking and commenting randomly alone.

Carl was pretty upset when he was first told about it (I told him almost right away) and we all are still adjusting to the reality of the situation which is that Carl is still pretty clear that he doesn't want to share our body with others, and some people in the system are connected enough to the real world that they are not content to be confined to feeling love without expressing it in some physical form.

And they are clear that they are not married because they didn't agree to it. Which raises some very exciting ethical issues; exciting, that is, if it's not one's own actual life. Which it is mine. Such as: is a contract formed by any member of the system binding on all? And if not does that mean we have no hope to be responsible adults? Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion. Sigh.

I am being a little tongue in cheek about it but for me it's hard. I can't control what people in my system feel or even do. And normal people, that is to say, people with the usual ratio of souls to body, just can't understand it. It looks like indecision or infidelity or sloth. There is an impulse in me to take it that way too and try to beat out the undesireable people in our system that don't behave when I really thought we were past that phase. But it makes me feel as though we are perhaps untrustable, etc. etc. All that smarmy stuff.

Except... I was around at the time, and I know that people stopped themselves because they are moral agents who recognized that much was at stake and because they are sane and rational, perhaps more so than many so-called normal people. And their having done that makes me even more responsible for not blowing their feelings off.

I'm overly lucky in my life to share it with so many cool people, in and out of the system.

So that's the grand update I think, in true UTS "so here's what's been bothering me for the last 6 months" style; a style perfected by my friends who tend to drop letters from France explaining why they changed their whole lives around 3 months ago.

Shandra

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shandra

September 2006

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