mnnn

Sep. 2nd, 2002 07:32 pm
Okay, I know it's stupid and even a bit strange but I really, really like having a totally clean kitchen, like new aluminum foil under the burners and all the jars polished up. That happened 'cause I was sorting out some things (I found a pile of Carl's old love letters to me/us from Italy hee) and my mother called, and she wanted to talk and talk and talk so rather than being between "stuff that brings back memories" and her I followed the phone cord around into the kitchen and got going. Then I sat in the middle of it and admired the gleam.

Carl put the siding up on the back entrance/shed and it looks fabulous. Wow. Amazing. Of course as I teased him, it only breeds more house repair projects like fixing up the inside of it and adding a light and things.

September always seems like the real new year; I suppose it's the last vestiges of the academic calendar in my brain. This year is definitely a time of change as I hand in my resignation tomorrow. I also as a whole part of the "creative discipline" routine am planning to set up a real exercise program. Swimming will be key, since Carl's MRI for his knee isn't until October (welcome to Canada) and so it looks like no high impact stuff right through into winter. So much for our tennis dates, but swimming will do, especially as I then want to re-cert all my lifeguard stuff.

The cookbook is coming along nicely. I really should call it a food book though. It's so weird that's what's finishing off first.

I also spent some time scanning pictures - it was scary. They're up at my regular oft-linked-to journal at diary-x.

Eek dinner!
It's kind of a glorious day.Read more... )
Most specifically, the system's.

I like working. I don't always like a particular job, but I like the schedule, the social aspects, the sense of accomplishment, and the economic power of a paycheque. In the past when I've pictured my life it has always included a job in the 9-5 sense.

Today I told my ex-boss, the person who hired me for my original job, that I am turning in my resignation after labour day. I told her today because she started to make plans involving me, because I couldn't keep it in any longer, because a long time ago I promised to give her warning, and because something just snapped.

So this really started the process of resigning. Which means trying to make the dreams of other people in my system come true, for a non 9-to-5 job of writing what they want to and sending it out in the world. We have freelanced before, so it's not an entirely entirely new thing but...

... that was before anything made sense. That was back when I might as well do whatever 'cause I could only ever make sense of about 4 hours of my day anyway (I never had any real idea that time was in any way linear). So it was easy to ignore.

As soon as I told her panic set in: a rich deep kind of panic. There's economic panic, although that's easy enough to talk myself out of: that is what we prepared for, although not half so well as we might have of course. No, it's the sheer emotional panic of not knowing what will happen. Who will I be, without a job? I know the writers are both terrified and happy but at least they have something to do.

Eek! I'll have to find something.

Shandra
This having two journals is getting complicated. First I guess here is the real long one.

The summary is that the family part of the vacation was hugely stressful because my sister in law is dating and bringing into her kids lives a pretty likely to be bad man.

But what I want to talk about now are the good times so without further ado...

my first LJ cut tag )
I'm still working on the whole comments/LJ cut tag thing. Maybe this is because my fuller journal is at diary-x, where I don't even have a guestbook & so I can't get used to the idea. I do like being able to comment & read comments, it's fun. I just can't seem to remember to go back to them and see what happened next. :)

This weekend was quite up and down. We're packing for the cottage we rented for next week, which is a lot of fun. Carl and I have decided to go pretty simple on the food - so bean salads, bread, cheese, and whichever produce is in season when we get there are figuring prominently. We did however decide not to leave ourselves to the mercy of the local wine store there and laid in a few bottles. It was also my dad's birthday so we took him to Remezzo's, which did us proud. Other than that it's the clean before we go drill.

Our green bell peppers and jalapenos produced lots, as well as a few cherry tomatoes, which was really nice. Gardening is such an unexpected pleasure in my life. The only downside is that our lavendar is not having a good year.

I'm grateful to have World Youth Day over with. The Catholic joy atmosphere (hymns on subways and youth going around being _both_ religious _and_ err, youthful) was starting to wear and tear on us. Religion in the system is one of the most contentious areas, right up there with sexuality, and so our resident Catholic, Teresa, was all misty eyed and spiritually connected, while Lynn, who hates God, doesn't mind Jesus, and intensely and savagely despises Mary, was having a rough time. Lyria was high on astral energy, and I was just vaguely pissed off and contemplating running away with some nice quiet Buddhists.

Carl, who is a former religious, listened to us all. He did watch all of the vespers service and the mass on TV, which makes me think in this area he probably is more on Teresa's wavelength than mine. Hey works for me. It'll be interesting to see if he ends up wanting to get back into churchy things, which he hasn't been into for a few years now.

Shandra
Today is a simply gorgeous day, weather-wise, and everyone (Channah, Amie, Lyria for crying out loud, who ought to know better) is telling the kittens in my hearing that we should call in sick and stay home. ("Oh Nyx, you would be so happy if I stayed home to pet you wouldn't you? Poor kitten. You need me at home don't you? Don't you" - gag) I feel like a mother and I resent being put in this position. Why do they ask? Why do they ask me? But here, who I am is forcing me to go ahead and make the decision anyway, figuring if they ask me they know we really should go. So. I think we'll compromise with a nice long lunch hour stroll to the farmer's market.

Yes, it's insane.
Let's see - some highlights out of my life.

Work is proving on a daily basis that my gut instinct to leave in the middle of the summer was the right one. But I've agreed to stay through projects that will land my leaving date somewhere in October. I'm not sorry for the additional paycheques, but the energy requirements are starting to feel draining. I think my issues with not following through on leaving are a) the loss of economic power both for Carl and I together and especially for my personally as the suddenly following-group-dreams spouse, and b) the fact that since I'm _not_ one of the actual writers in the system, I will actually be out of a job. Except for scheduling and goal setting and oh, yes, _mailing_ queries and manuscripts around. Networking too I guess.

If it gets too hard I'll just pick up something short term or part time, I know. Still it contributes to my waffling.

We have done some fun things like strawberry jam making, and our mini garden is doing all right although we had a cherry tomato tragedy when some pots fell off the deck.

Also Screaming Cleaning Girl (she really needs a name) threw a fit, and Carl handled it super well. She was pretty funny. I guess we have gotten across that you can't just scream at Carl if you feel that the house is not perfectly anally arranged, because she was screaming and crying but when Carl came down she screamed "I'm not yelling at you! okay!" Heh. Carl managed to get her to learn how to make coffee instead and made her pb & j toast. I think that's the first non-screaming non-cleaning interaction she's had with the world, really.

Now she makes coffee every fucking morning. But hey.

It is a little sad that my mum used to throw out our stuff and cancel trips to Disneyworld and things over mess, because this kid just took all that as her worldview, that if your house isn't clean the world will End. I have to admit that it's sort of weird, too, to realize that a lot of the cleanliness of my home is related to this poor kid rather than any effort on _my_ part.

I just realized none of the people that would bug me about my reproductive activities read this journal, so I can blather on semi-publicly, which is sort of nice, I guess. I had a miscarriage on Saturday at about 7 weeks. This is probably because rather than being sensible and going and having the procedure for the scar tissue and planning it, we (Lyria and Carl) just went ahead and had what Lynn calls in disgust "procreative sex" and got knocked up. Everyone knew that miscarrying was a possibility and most of the system was either a little bit relieved or at least uncaring, but oddly enough I, former Career Girl, took it kind of hard. I was getting into it in a big way. I think like Lyria I would like one or possibly two kids, at some point. Since I'm 31, it probably is something to really start thinking about, too.

I think I want to adopt. I will rant here at some point about the whole idea of a "perfect" kid and how people want their own genetic destiny and how raising kids IMHO is not about that, it's about loving a small needy imperfect human _self_, you know, and helping them reach their highest potential - whatever that is - without getting all one's own ego in about what that Must Look Like in terms of success.

But in a couple of years when the whole idea doesn't make Lynn react like the rest of us would if someone were trying to make us eat maggots. I actually think that the process of dealing with each other will make us better parents than average, but we have to do some more dealing with each other first, ideally. It's amazing what taking each other's views of "success" and "happiness" and "moral" and everything seriously will do for a worldview. But I'm not yet sure that "childraising" is everyone's priority to the extent that it would have to be. I have to admit that interacting with my niece and nephews has gotten me to relax a bit about the "what if we switch?" thing. We do around them, and they love it. We don't spell it out; it's just all very natural for me to play rough with Joel and Lyr to cuddle and blah blah blah. Still, that's not exactly _full time_.

Of course. if the timeline had been 9 months, well, we'd've worked it out.

The miscarrying has made the week hard, both physically (although it's mostly all over with except for the hormone soup I vaguely remember from the last time) and emotionally. Carl has completely different reactions and so it kind of drives a temporary little hurdle in between us. But this weekend we have plans for some nice quality couple time with a beach picnic, tennis, and maybe some ice cream. I am really looking forward to the tennis; the pools are closed due to a strike and it makes me twitchy.

And on that note, off I go to Anna's and then home, for some lovely bean soup and biscuits and fig salad.

Shandra
So, voila, livejournal update time.

Things are going really well. This summer seems to be the summer of the yard, so we have put down sod and done a lot of cleanup and just now I am in the midst of painting a fence... well... I got interrupted last weekend by forecasts of rain and now am planning to finish off either evenings (but not tonight for reasons to be detailed below) or next weekend. Also to make jam next weekend!

Writing-wise. Have I mentioned my system is working together to become a writer? I am not the head writer. If anything I am the nasty agent that makes people sit down and write. But as opposed to fighting the trend and making people miserable forcing them into law classes, I am giving the writing thing a try this year. We are planning to leave our job at the end of the summer (insert much angst, some economic, more social/calvinistic), which we can do because Carl's job is going well & pays okay, and also because we've been living increasingly simply. But I am not convinced it won't all come to fucking ruin, so the real proof will be in the letter of resignation actually crossing anyone's desk.

Tonight I'm waiting for a friend to call me, to whom I apologized via web journal (well... I wrote a real, paper letter, on nice stationary, but then I didn't have her new address and dissolved into tears and left an incoherent message on her work voice mail.) This I suppose signals some reconciliation with some of the shit we have pulled on people during the last two years of sorting out being multiple. Not all of it, but Marjorie is a person with whom to start. Because she's one of my oldest & dearest friends whom I & the system treated badly two summers ago. And we owe it to her to at least acknowledge that & see where things go. We flipped out at her wedding, if you want the summary, and then couldn't deal with the guilt of it so never called her back.

System-wise things are changing fast. Lynn is changing sometimes, and sometimes taking a big step back into her belief structure, and the rest of us are waffling with the slow realization that yes, duh, bad shit happened.

And hmm. I have a very wordy extensive journal here too that involves lots of Internet Drama and things, but this livejournal is sort of a middle ground where different people can post. Apparently they have not. :)

I think that about sums it up. Oh. Saw the new Star Wars at last. I don't really care if the dialogue sucked (when did it not?) or Hayden Christian was wooden... maybe because I have met slave-boy equivalents and they have seemed wooden to me. So thumbs up for it. I liked how the good guys were manipulated all over the place and the perennial Lucas theme of parental bonding lost. Not great art, but decent enough I thought. Thank god for the (mostly) lack of Jar-Jar.

Shandra

um yeah

Jun. 25th, 2002 05:20 pm
Well so I never recorded my eating or exercise and didn't update in forever - how typical. I do have some things to update but I just got told to go home, so I think I will, and do it later.

well!

Mar. 10th, 2002 09:39 pm
Writing what I eat apparently is not only boring to read, it is to update, so fuck that. :) Although tonight I had ful, some kind of Egyptian/middle eastern fava bean dish Lyria unearthed. It was pretty good. It consisted of fava beans, onion, garlic, cumin, mint, tomato, and lemon juice.

Also a few glasses of wine, so.

Weird things are happening. It is Easter time (Lent to Easter) and so for a (inhale deeply) religiously abused system like mine it becomes a kind of a tightwire act - will we fuck up before Easter, or make it through. Perhaps this explains why I've logged into PernMUSH a few times this week - utter insanity.

I saw Brotherhood of the Wolf which is a decent French film if one is willing to entirely suspend disbelief and just roll with it, and not mind the Matrix-like fighting set in pre-revolutionary France. The truly *intriguing* thing about it was the religious aspects... spoiler alert. The Vatican and the King are kind of squabbling and a renegade priest sets up a sort of cult and it takes an Iroquois shaman to fight it out, along with his totem spirit wolves. Err, yeah. But there was an Italian prostitute-fortuneteller (later found to be mysteriously working for the Pope, or maybe the Rosicrucians) who fucked the hero sexily _and_ cut him with her dagger _and_ licked the blood off the knife _and_ later he had a dream he was on a very Celtic looking altar while she drove her knife right into him and sacrificed him.

For Lynn, this was a really great movie. I have been on sexual overdrive since, and _she_ is nearly _insane_ with it.

Speaking of Lynn, some people have written in their diary-xs that they are in love with her and that she has expressed motherhood perfectly. That is fucking scary. As far as I know she hasn't talked to this system at all. This makes no fewer than 5 multiples who have some kind of Lynn fixation, and that's not counting the reciprocal ones. What is it about her? I feel sort of slighted, like the left out boring sister or something. Sigh. And yet I would not want to be queen of the night.

One person even claimed she visited them on the astral plane. I don't think so. She just laughed.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, uh huh.

In normal news, Carl and I did go for a long drive up to Lake Simcoe today for a change of pace. The waves and ice were incredible. The drive itself is pretty boring, up from Toronto, but there are some kind of nice towns along the way. We found a B&B I think we would like to try out. Maybe over Easter, although I don't know if we really want to spend the money right now. We're saving for motorcycles. :) The weather is almost good enough now to go take our class M1 licenses. Wooo.

Shandra
snack: one pear; lunch: one ziploc (small) square container of leftover risotto.

Astrology

Feb. 19th, 2002 09:34 am
Ooo, a new spot for horoscopes: Free Will Astrology. Mine reads:
Happy Valentine's Day, Capricorn! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love how you're peeling off the psychic suit of armor you've worn for so long. I am delighted by the way you're exploring all the hiding places in your heart. I'm thrilled by how sympathetic you're becoming to Thoreau's belief that "There is no remedy for love but to love more" and to Pascal's assertion that "If you do not love too much, you do not love enough." And Capricorn, my dear, I'm exceedingly pleased that you're now receptive to what poet Ezra Pound once wrote: "What thou lovest well remains,/ the rest is dross/ What thou lov'st well shall not be reft from thee/ What thou lov'st well is thy true heritage. . . ."


Err yah. *cough*.

No breakfast this morning. I walked down from Sherbourne which is a good half hour walk, usually. Today it was 40 minutes because Lyria got into a discussion with a homeless person, and handed over the protein bar I was planning for breakfast. This is not atypical of where our protein bars go, but I don't really mind. I was packing two protein bars for a while, but then they both would get given away, so I went back to one. At least my lunch remained securely nestled.

Shandra
Okay. Why oh why do I continually bother to get involved with people I know are drama queens and then get annoyed at the drama? (she said, dramatically)

It's fucked. I suppose it's that 'save the world' issue all over again.

So to distract myself from the latest High Drama (the details of which are not interesting, trust me) I read up a bit on Illuminati programming, on the off chance that maybe there is some abuse in my background after all (*snicker*) and shit. It was a little scary, so I stopped reading about it. I read it 'cause someone emailed me to ask about Teresa's essay on the Empowered Multiple and if we'd ever considered ritual abuse victims since writing it.

I swear this is fast becoming our most published work - this is the fourth site to ask for it, and we've already been paid cash once. I am opposed to getting known as a multiple before Resa's books are finished. It would ruin the plot of the second, for one thing.

Luckily all the bizarre internet multiple quirkness things were offset by a fucking pile of concerts. Radu Lupu (playing Beethoven, Enescu, and Schumann) was cool and we were seated on stage, front row. Talk about drama queens, we'd luckily done the shimmer-gel hair-glitter thing and worn a gold top so I amused myself tilting my head hither and yon to make sure the odd sparkle would come off us. It was only this morning (Monday; concert was Saturday) that I realized that not once did I imagine myself as Shandra, Weyrwoman of the Universe sitting at a command performance. Several years ago this would have been de rigeur. So much for an active fantasy life!

However Amie adored the ballet we saw Sunday (Romeo and Juliet) and twirled around several times in the lobby. Nothing like a 165 lb 5'8" woman twirling around to make her dress go out... oh yeah. Fortunately for us no one saw or I'm sure the director of the National Ballet would have dropped to his knees and begged us to join the troupe. Now there's an active fantasy life statement LOL.

I'm being forced to listen to the Stigmata soundtrack again. Please God, all I ask is that the Lynns not have "Hallelujah" (either the Leonard Cohen or Rufus Wainwright versions) in mind next or I swear I _will_ rip up some of their lesbian erotica collection.

I think I'll use the quick LJ format to record what we're eating and doing exercise wise because something fucked is up; we've now lost 18 lbs since Xmas and I swear I do not know why. So today:

1) Breakfast - slice of toast with peanut butter
2) Lunch - cheddar cheese and cucumber sandwich btw multigrain bread
3) snack - handful of Sky's microwaved popcorn (light, I think)
4) dinner - 3 pieces of Lyr's homemade whole wheat pizza with red peppers, black olives, garlic, mushrooms, capers, and no cheese, drizzled with olive oil; 2 truffles (!) from the Valentine's Day gift set
5) 3 coffees, 3 herbal teas, 1 martini, various glasses of water

Exercise - 25 min on the rowing machine

settling in

Feb. 9th, 2002 09:18 pm
Well I added a graphic and changed the colour scheme a bit.

I have a friend! Which is cool. Although, sniff, I feel so pitiful and sad and last on the boat to only have one. It's tempting to go get other people addicted to online journals.

On the other hand, it makes reading entries fast and easy. I'm not really sure I entirely *get* the whole LJ friends thing, except for the friends-only entries. It's so much pressure! Either that or too long at other journal sites without friends. :)

This week I've had many occasions to shake my head and bite my tongue at friends too. M. left me not one, not two, but three messages about gaming. I've explained several times now that I fully support her gaming, love to chat characters with her, blah blah blah, but I am not roleplaying table-top (indeed, I don't think I am roleplaying at all right now) until I have some kind of assurances that said roleplay will not result in some bizarre multiple thing. And actually, now that I get to live my life as me (albeit sharing it with people) I don't feel the need to roleplay. I am in no way implying that all, most, or even a significant percentage of roleplayers are roleplaying because they have no lives. I'm just saying that a large part of the appeal for me in the past was to express my unique Shandra-ness as opposed to Jenn-ness, and right now is not when I want to explore what else it was.

On a bad day my entire life is a roleplaying session anyway. What would "Jenn" say in this situation? Will this gain her sufficient experience points to advance to the next career level? Are these IC or OOC politics? You Be The Judge!! :)

I'm going to open this journal to the whole system to use. I should have set it up under someone else's name as per usual, something more generic, but I didn't. However I used Lyria's graphic at left so maybe that will serve as an invitation. I suppose I should do a hasty cast list so not everyone has to visit the site (which I should also add to the template.)

So:

Us - see below, 31 year old multiple, happily married, &c.

Teresa - My good twin, almost seriously. She's good and generally nice to people, keeps up good appearances, writes, is responsible, and a good wife in most things.

Lyria - Think Phoebe on Friends mixed with actual spiritual person and you have an idea. She's actually not stupid, but it's hard to remember that sometimes. She also is very upbeat and caring and shit like that.

Lynn - Queen of Darkness and Destruction. Lynn is a multiple in her own right (a multiple in a multiple) and so sometimes I call her "the Lynns." Lynn is to the Lynns as Jenn (our body name) is to us. There are other various Lynns who have coughed up their names, notably Magdalynn. (I keep waiting for a Carolynn, Madelynn, etc. ad nauseum *snicker*) But I call 'em Lynn unless they specifically say who's talking. I should drop out of my usual smarmy tone just to say that they have had fucking lousy experiences and are very cool and strong. Just a little, err, obsessive.

Channah - 13 (?) year old can-do pre-pubescent-angst youth, who's pretty neat-o (as she would say).

Amie - 6-7 yr old fairy barbie loving child of snuggly mornings and Groovy Girl collections.

Eternally Damned - technically a Lynn, about Amie's age, thinks she has no soul and is obsessed with ghosts and death and shit like that.

JJ - smarmy hyper intelligent wench. :) Okay I like her fine, but she often fits into the bitch category for the "well didn't you know _that_" aspect of things.

Karen - missing in action since she hooked up with the wrong crowd, but she was very precise and prim and proper.

Joy - 9? Another one of the happy children. Hence Joy.

Marai - toddler being nurtured by Lyria. One of those weird crossover RP moments was apparently when Lyria had Marai on PernMUSH, but I missed it.

Warrior caste - a group of us (me included) who function as "protectors" if you want to use the trauma terms. We are generally therefore mouthy bitches who have no problem getting in anyone's face, have saviour complexes, etc.

Amber - my second-in-command of the warrior caste. 14 year old girl with attitude, need I say more?

Me! - queen of the warrior caste. Oddly I've only known that for the last 2 years but it explains _much_ about me, including why I'm a mouthy bitch and have a tendency at times to overreact. Since I'm sane the other 90% of the time, it confuses people. I'm working on it. All the "multiple roles" that we all have (Teresa the good girl, JJ the brains, Lynn the hidden knife that slaughters you in the dark) are gradually wearing off as we're sorting it out, or at least, we're adding to them. I suppose all this journalling is a big part of that.

Now see, if you're confused, go read the fucking site. There's a link in the entry prior to this which will have to do while I get my act together, which is a slow and tedious thing, since we all have things we want to do. :)

Shandra

wow...

Jan. 22nd, 2002 04:57 pm
Huh, interestingly I might end up using this journal after all.

So, about me: I'm a multiple, or a member of a multiple system, or whatever you want to say about that. More details are available at my system's site. I'm 31, live with my husband of 7 years, cat, dog, in a house in Toronto. That's the vital stats I guess. :)

Test

Jan. 2nd, 2002 12:18 pm
This is just a test

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shandra

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